Right in the middle

Posted By Raya Yarbrough on July 4, 2014

My black Volvo and I rattled up to the intersection borderline. The light turned green. The smell was coming through the body of my car now, like I was cooking strips of corpse bacon on the hood. I pleaded with my machine,“C’mon, dude, we can make it down Overland.” The car in front of me turned, and I pressed the gas.
Nothing.
“What? C’mon babe.”
I pressed the gas again.
Nothing.

Volvo gave up the ghost at 5:45pm in the middle, the geometric middle, of the intersection of Palms and Overland. In rush hour.

Not on a side street, nor twisty Motor Ave., no. My car stopped like a dropped anchor, right in the crotch of the intersection. It was obscene. It was flat out surreal. I was on the traffic equivalent of the gallows in front of a crowd of hissing townspeople hanging me for witchcraft.

And AAA had me on hold with Muzak.

Let’s go back an hour or so.

I was on my way to a doctor’s appointment, my ladyparts doctor to be precise, as a follow up to my recent baby-having. Said baby was at home with her dad, tranquil for the moment, but if you have one of these, or even know someone who does, you know the tranquility is more of a stay of execution. My parole was temporary, and daddy had business people coming over. Volvo and I had our mission parameters: get there, get poked at, get home. Hopefully before the full tilt, double screw of baby meltdown and rush hour.

The scorched smell first ghosted over my senses as I was crossing that part of National Blvd which splits, momentarily, into the Quantum universe. The smell registered in my brain, but my brain was navel gazing about the nature of the Blvd. and we ignored it. My brain was conjuring Morgan Freeman’s sturdy, celestial, timbre, from his Wormhole program, telling me that National Boulevard is more a theoretical concept than a street, because it exists in more than one place at a time, and disappears and reappears unpredictably. I agreed with my mental-Morgan, because on one occasion, years ago, I dared to wave my ass at the space-time parameters, and followed National boulevard on its full, mysterious, path. I followed National past the freeway, along the train tracks, through town, away from town, and I ended up perpendicular to another street:
National Boulevard.
I stopped at the light, and heard my laughter bounce off the dash board, and a silent scream bounce off my inner scull.

Back to the mission at hand, I rolled under the 10Fwy and into Cheviot Hills, as Morgan Freeman continued on, in my brain, about the nature of LA intersections in general. He said that they are something akin to singularities, fizzling with a kinetic insanity which only froths at the mouths of those gaping urban holes, in urban sprawl, in Los Angeles county, in rush hour. They twitch towards their own inevitable potential chaos – orgasms of vehicular absurdity DAMN there’s that smell again…and I noticed an odd tone whirring from the front of my car with the funny smell. Hot funny. The stink of burning money for car repairs funny.
I pulled over.

Maybe it was some other schmuck’s car, somebody who had foolishly left their oil unchanged and unchecked. I’m not that fool. I often think of changing or checking my oil. No, I haven’t actually done it, but it’s the idiots who don’t even think of it who get in trouble. I think about it all the time.

The smell dissipated, the light greened, and I pedaled the engine back to life. The smell came back. I checked the temperature gauge – just below the red, ok. My Volvo, in all the 8 years we’ve shared, has never overheated on me. We’ve foraged for gigs all up and down the 90 freeway, the 101, the 10, the 110, we’ve parked and rotted together on the 405, when some lunatics decided to crack the chest of the highway at 3am in Orange County, to service the road in front of an army of late commuting zombies. Volvo slogged with me at 5mph passed the construction crews, crept up the asphalt with me, upheld a mantra of pistons and fine Swedish engine craft. Never once did he burn.

So I was optimistic. I kept going. Past the mansions, the other golf course, Fox Studios, right on Pico, and left on Doheny to face the Hollywood Hills in the bleary North. Then I heard a rattle. “Just old car sounds” I told myself.

Volvo and I arrived and parked at the office of my ladyparts doctor to follow up on my recent birth. (Not my recent birth, my baby’s recent birth. Every doctor’s appointment I’ve ever had has been a follow up to my birth.) My appointment took my car concerns off of my mind. We were mostly making sure that I was still not pregnant anymore. We assessed this immediately due to two compelling points of fact: 1)There was not a baby in my body 2)There was a baby at home, who we assumed is the one who used to be in my body. We agreed that this evidence was sufficient to calling the birth a success, and I went back down to the parking garage. (Note: this was a slightly abridged version of my doctor visit, although all facts stated above are true).

I drove Volvo back out of the garage, and turned left opposite the bleary Hollywood Hills. Morgan Freeman reappeared in my brain, continuing his talk on Dark Matter governing downtown congestion patterns. I had forgotten about the smell and the whirr, but now it returned like a grey olfactory fog . Volvo began to take on a heave and a shake, like the phlegm which vibrates through the chest after a virus. Morgan Freeman paused, and I started making deals with God.
God, let me get home before my 1 month old daughter starts screaming, and I will finish reading a book instead of Facebook updates. God, let the traffic be light, and I will take shorter showers…

Finally I made it back to Cheviot Hills heading toward National Blvd. – but by now the rattle had turned into a shake, and I could feel it through my shoe every time I pressed the gas.

I crossed National and Motor, but still had a ways to go, so my engine just had to keep the dream alive. Had to find the fear of God and keep churning. I started talking to my car. “C’mon man, we’re almost home, you know the way.” But Motor Ave. started creeping because 5:30 in the evening is “Every Asshole” hour in LA, because Every Asshole in LA is trying to drive somewhere.
Right in front of you.

So Every Asshole in LA was between me and my house, and my car was losing the dream. I couldn’t hear Morgan Freeman anymore.
I turned off Motor Ave. heading towards the intersection of Palms and Overland. This intersection seems like an upstanding bit of road, but it’s a sociopath too. It’s another vortex where laws of physics do wrong things, and good people make bad lefts. Where people cross the streets in late-80s colored pants, and drivingpeople notice this, and become confounded, and make slow decisions, and horns resound, and Every Asshole misses their turn. But I had no choice, I got in line.

Volvo and I rattled up to the intersection borderline. The light turned green. “C’mon, dude…” The car in front of me turned, and I pressed the gas.
Nothing.
What?
I pressed the gas again.
Nothing.

Volvo gave up the ghost at 5:45pm in the geometric middle of the intersection of Palms and Overland.
The car behind me began to beep, the cars which were stopped at the red began to beep, the cars 4 cars behind me began to beep, and I started scrolling in my phone for the AAA number.

The dude behind me starting yelling something, so I made the universal signal for vehicular non-compliance. You know, you look up into the rear view, and extend your limbs into flappy-arms on either side of your body translating to “I have no power over the current situation of my vehicle!” And you mouth the words as if they can see you. I made this tribal gesture several times before the cars began maneuvering around me. Then the cross traffic started towards me and I sat, in the slowly swarming sea of Every Asshole.

In the cross currents of horns, obscene hand signals, and indecipherable hurled insults, I had a moment to reflect. Wow, I was that guy. That guy, who’s car is in such an obnoxious situation, that Every Asshole who maneuvered around me went home and told their friends/family/pets about that human zit who was stuck in their car in the middle of the intersection. They probably started by talking about what a shit-storm it was, and then moved on to what kind of an idiot winds up like that, probably somebody who didn’t even think about checking their oil (which is wrong, I often thought about it), and then moved on, in a moment of self congratulatory, high-mindedness to hoping that I ended up ok and get my life together. “Man, that poor asshole,” said the asshole, to his friends and family and pets who nodded over their quinoa or designer cupcakes.

Finally got through to AAA, and selected the “I’m fucked, save me” option from the voice menu. I was then transferred to the holding music. So I listened to the Musak, sitting in my one ton automotive shell, in the middle of the intersection. I didn’t think that this would ever be a thing, but now it was. And I was in the thing, and I couldn’t find my hazard light, as if I needed to alert anyone that this was a hazard.

Then a non-LA thing happened. A dude actually ran out into the intersection and offered to push my car out of the street. Really? So I put Volvo in neutral and he and his friend pushed my car to the shoulder of Overland. I got out and shook his hand, what a kind thing to do, just above and beyond the call, a real selfless act.
He must’ve been Canadian.

So the Musak finally ended and the AAA person asked me the questions, and I forgot the year of my car as always. They told me they’d be there in 30 minutes, and I sat back to ponder what my Facebook post for this would be..wait, would that go back on my deal with God to read less Facebook? Is the deal off since my car broke down anyway? What if I post that on Facebook- BANG!
I craned around in my seat, expecting to see some road-rage fallout from my car drama – some Asshole for whom I was the last straw, barreling towards my dead Volvo with the precision of a lit turd – but what I actually saw was another car, ANOTHER car, spin out into the intersection, and skid into the stopped cars on my side of the street. All traffic stalled.
The intersection held it’s breath again. No sooner had I gotten pushed out of the middle by that nice Canadian man, than the roads had claimed another. I heard the Morgan Freeman voice return: “another vehicle has fallen victim to the pull of the gravitrons in the eccentric quantum vortex of the urban sprawl intersection.” It was at this point when my emotional meter became overburdened, and everything became funny.

I stepped out of Volvo, and walked towards the corner, where the other car was dented and smoking. The driver (not hurt) was standing by with her phone, making the “what did I learn in Drivers-ed about this?” face. Then the tow trucks began to arrive, and got confused about who went to who, then the fire truck, full of firepeople looking around at my black, broken, car – and the other black broken car, stopped around the corner from each other. I made the universal arm-flappy, shrugging gesture for “these are two separate incidents!” and the fire people tilted their heads.

While the professionals sorted everything out, another wave of odd began, since this corner happens to contain a convalescent home. Like a scene from a B-horror flick, all these people with walkers started dribbling out of the building and gathering around the event. The corner looked like a mid-80s patterned couch from a Florida motel – the bright greens of the firepeople’s vests, starched white of the AAA shirts, pale pinks, yellows, and florals of the seniors, the purples of the caretaker’s scrubs, and the incongruous red and orange flare of the emergency trucks. It was a chaos salad. My nerves were shot, my car is probably finished, my baby is definitely throwing a fit by now…and all I could do was laugh. A lady in orange crocks looked at me sideways as I giggled behind my cell phone.

So Volvo got hooked up to the tow, and away we went to my local mechanic. I looked back at my ride and thought to myself, “the intersection had its sacrifices,” the wormhole was closed. I looked out my right window and saw the crowd dispersing, traffic returning to flow, and down at the edge of the block, I saw Morgan Freeman wink and walk away.

My very coherent, not drunk at all (one glass, whatever), thoughts on Miley Cyrus’ “Wrecking Ball” Video:

Posted By Raya Yarbrough on September 12, 2013

( after seeing an onslaught of tweets and Facebookings on the subject, I decided to give it a look-see. These were the immediate drippings from my head-sponge)

Ok.

First off, Those nails were impractical for the handling of large hammers. Second, when doing construction work, boots alone are not enough for proper safety – although the tiny tank and undies certainly offer free range of movement and good ventilation. I assume the lipstick was flame retardant and SPF 30 or above?

True analysis:
As for proper wrecking ball etiquette/best riding practices, nudity is not common any longer. Nude wrecking ball riding was abandoned in 1896 after a Mrs. Betty Smythson of Cincinnati suffered what was referred to at the time as “the pink twerk” (no doubt the inspiration for Miley’s other musical exploration) which was the colloquial term for clitoral injury.

Mrs.Betty Smythson,
“ball rider,” in her

Cincinnati home, 1895
After the unfortunate ride of Mrs. Smythson, wrecking ball saddles or “Ball huggers” were instituted into common use and considered standard (although true standardization was not instituted until 1900, when the production of wrecking balls intended for riding was taken over by the Ford Motor Co.) Clitoral guards, or “vag-vests,” became somewhat of a fashion statement and status symbol for upper class women who could afford the luxurious accouterments of the Wrecking Ball set.

Although Cyrus was somewhat lambasted for her “sparkly onesie” from the VMAs, it is important to understand that it was not, in fact, a “onesie” but a historically accurate “vag-vest” of excellent quality.
A 19th Century doctor
attends to a woman suffering
the “Pink twerk”
Lastly, the handling and licking of the hammer, though clearly an homage to cold war propaganda communist murals, seemed a bit blatant, but not to be hasty on judgement, it is probable Miss Cyrus meant the gesture as a public service hint for Tetanus awareness, reminding us all to stay on top of our booster shots.

.

and…Good night.

Before I meet the cast…(countdown to the show)

Posted By Raya Yarbrough on May 23, 2013

It’s been this way at this time of night lately, when I’m puttering around the house with no goals lasting more than 30 seconds before they dissipate and I forget why I’m in the kitchen. I’m walking in odd geometry, no economy of movement, I’m literally bouncing off the walls.
Very, very slowly.

…..aaaaAAAAAAAAaaaaaaaaa!!!…….

You see, it’s been 3 days since the casting calls have gone out for NOSWOV (“North of Sunset, West of Vine” my musical), so I actually have something tangible to wait for. It’s all been in my head, on my own schedule, making words and tunes for my imaginary people, and now they’re going to be real.

I’m going to meet them.

I’ve never been on this side of the casting table. My director, Mary Jo Duprey, says it’s really fun, but I don’t see how I can avoid having sympathetic nerves for the auditioning people. I was always nervous for auditions.

The music is almost done…I mean it was done being composed a while ago, but now I’m tasked with actually making legible, the stuff that rolls out of my brain through my mouth. It’s more complex than I thought. And drippy.
Many 16th notes (it wasn’t just the caffeine), but a lot of it is also open to interpretation by the actors, that’s what they do, and it will be so exciting to hear my tunes rolling out of someone else’s brain and through their mouth.

Lo…and behold the 16th notes. Actually a very slow song, not scary.

So here I am. The end of Wednesday night, with nerves like it’s opening night, wandering in shuffles with excessive blinking.
Turning lights off obsessively, then on again when I come back to do something I already forgot about.
We’re not up for a month (June 28-30)I should probably smoke a joint but I never got into it.
I should meditate. Last time I did, my chakras were full of old emails.

Ok. Time for the inner house cleaning before I meet the cast.
More soon…

Italy Impressions #6

Posted By Raya Yarbrough on April 23, 2013

….Sei vivo?…

Italy impressions #9:One moment in Siena

Posted By Raya Yarbrough on April 19, 2013

From the top of a medieval tower in the Piazza Del Campo (center of town, “plaza of the race,” Siena has yearly horse races), we could see beyond the old city walls, into the rolling fabric of Tuscany…but it was a hard won sight.

The Torre (tower) del Mangia, in the Piazza Del Campo (more…)

Italy Impressions #8: Leaving Venice – I came to see you.

Posted By Raya Yarbrough on April 16, 2013

Some places lay beyond the veil. If you don’t know what I mean, go to Venice.

We were there four days, but I hadn’t been able to write about it.
I had no idea where I was, and I still don’t.

We arrived by train in the evening. Out the window, the land smoothed to water so quickly it seemed like an illusion. Lighting posts in the water. A train station. Seemed like any other train station.

Weary, we crack-a-lacked our baggage through the station, to the exit, where I expected we’d get a taxi to our hotel. Faintly, through the exit I saw a bus go by, I asked if we should take a bus instead, Bear said, “that’s not a bus.”

I don’t think I’ve stood with my mouth agape, so shamelessly…ever. (more…)

Italy Impressions #7: The Train To Venice

Posted By Raya Yarbrough on April 14, 2013

4/7/13

Goodbye Firenze.

I’m  on a train from Firenze (Florence) to Venezia (Venice). I was looking forward to a relaxing ride, with my head back, enjoying the passing countryside…didn’t realize this was a high speed train which spends most of the trip in tunnels. Nada much to see so far…so I’ll talk about somehting else for a second.

Ok other things.

Well, the sun was out in Florence today, so we sat by the river, in sight of the Ponte Vecchio.

Ya know, just hangin’ out lookin’ at the Ponte Vecchio (that bridge over there).
No big deal, whatever.

I also bought myself some Florentine fleur de lis pins to mark my trip.

Now we’re leaving the station after our first stop, a suburb of Florence I guess, I missed the name. It’s the other side of the tracks literally. Tall, monochromatic, cement monoliths, with laundry lines, and graffiti, splashed on every stone surface. Industrial. Not  Da Vinci’s World anymore. (more…)

Italy Impressions #5: Hey Da Vinci, YER MOM! (and yer cat)

Posted By Raya Yarbrough on April 12, 2013

4/5/13

My day at the Ufizzi Gallery, or:

SO…MUCH…ART…*GASP*

The Ufizzi Gallery in Florence is an endurance test.

I mean, it’s a museum, with some of the world’s masterworks by the likes of Bottecelli, Da Vinci, and Michalangelo…but it will wear your ass down.

By the end of your time in those priceless halls, under the beautifully grotesque painted ceilings, you will find yourself looking at the amputee Roman sculptures with their blank marble eyeballs, saying, ”yeah man, I feel ya.”

That said, go. Just go, when you can.

The vibrations of human perception, inspiration, and interpretation have energized these works for hundreds of years, and it bounces right back at you.
I saw Botticelli’s Venus, which I’ve seen a million times on fridge magnets, t-shirts, you name it, but to see the full sized work in context with his other work, in context with other contemporary art, is to understand why the guy was popular. Subject matter in those days, was not a free for all. Botticelli could not paint a picture of his bandaged ear or splatter paint on a canvas, it was all religion, or politics (commissioned portraits etc.) or mythology, so your distinction was all style.  Botticelli is, basically (and I am clearly not an art scholar) nice to look at. Beautiful. There’s a hell of a lot more going on with him, but that was the biggest impact for me – lyrical, flowing, feminine lines (in my opinion) gorgeous.  In contrast, the Michelangelo I saw brought out a bright, colorful, three-dimensionality, which seemed eerily 20th century.  Have to check him out some more, I have no context for this observation.

Photography is not allowed in the Ufizzi, so in case you are unfamiliar with the work,
I submit my rendering of Botticelli’s Venus from memory.


But truly, one of the last pieces I saw will stay with me forever.

Da Vinci’s version of The Annunciation. Remember last post when we talked about  that? The angel who came to tell The Virgin Mary that her baby was gonna be dope? That scene. (more…)

Italy Impressions #4: Two dudes, a virgin, and a kid.

Posted By Raya Yarbrough on April 11, 2013

4/4/13

…and buns of solid marble.

There are no photographs allowed in the Galleria Dell’ Accademia, but you’ve all seen the David. I think that was my “I am actually in Italy” moment. I’ve seen the David in so many films and photographs, that when I walked into the gallery, I had to blink.

His hands are actually very large.The veins on his hands are so lifelike I expected him to twitch.  He’s not sinuous, but the muscle definition is warm, strong and relaxed. His feet are also very large.

These are my only bodily observations.

As for other observations, Italy touts them with vigor and humor.

So the pieces which grabbed my interest were actually the paintings. (more…)

Italy impressions #3: Jet Lag with lovely people

Posted By Raya Yarbrough on April 9, 2013

THE NIGHT OF THE SCREENING
Tuesday, 4/2/13

Around 5 pm, after laying in bed paying penance for something I ate, I opened my eyes and silently discussed my wardrobe with myself. Bear was on the laptop clicking the keys like one of those Ghost In The Shell robots with extra mechanical fingers. Headphones on. So I looked back at the ceiling and plotted a mental pathway to the bathroom sink.

Made it to the sink. The mirror must be kidding. Either genetics, or products with a comedic sense (probably both) have made my hair resistant to physics. Not just gravity. Physics. I condition one bit of my head, and then the other side goes wack in exactly the same way, after I swear I already fixed it – as if that wack bit had a dual manifestation on my head, like electrons which exist in two places at once. My hair is an adventure in science fiction.

Outside the Odeon Theatre (the oldest movie theatre in Florence, so ya know) people were already lined up along a red carpet.   (more…)